La Vie
by Robyn-Enjolras
Summary: The Twilight version of the musical, RENT! Listened to the soundtrack while writing this, so it should be okay. YAY! JasxA, JacxB, RxB, EdxEm
1. Prologue

A/N: I like RENT

A/N: I like RENT.

I just realized I have to finish "Carleeny Todd" before I write another musical parody.

Oh well…

Don't be shocked if you find another parody of my favorite musical – Big River – soon, lawl… :)

DISCLAIMER: Don't own RENT, sadly. Or Twilight. But I'd rather own Rent… -gets pelted with tomatoes- OH COME ON! –storms off-

* * *

Who be who? Read the following:

ROGER DAVIS - Jasper

MARK COHEN – Jacob

TOM COLLINS - Emmett

BENNY - Carlisle

JOANNE - Alice

ANGEL - Edward

MIMI - Rosalie

MAUREEN – Bella

MARK'S MOM – Billy (yes, Billy.)

ROGER'S MOM - Esme

There ya go.

* * *

LA VIE.

"Jazz? Smile!" Jacob Black thought filming his roommate, Jasper, would be a great attempt to make light of the freezing weather and lack of heat.

Jasper Whitlock glared at the camera-man, "This won't tune!" he frowned at the guitar in his hands.

"Jasper's been pretty depressed lately. His—"

"JACOB! SHUT UP!" Jasper hissed.

Jacob snickered, and zoomed in on Jasper's face, "What would you like to say to folks back home, soldier?"

"Cheezus, Jake," he muttered, then said to the camera, "I'm writing one last song before—"

The phone rang.

"Aw, man," Jacob lowered his camera and turned it off.

"Saved!" Jasper hollered ecstatically.

_SPEEEEAK._

**Boop.**

"Jake-y poo, how many times have I asked you to change that message? Ugh. Well, we're all gonna miss you at the shindig tomorrow, Rebecca and Rachel say hi. Oh, and Jake, we're sorry to hear that Bella dumped you… again. But that's okay let her be a lesbian. Lots of others just dying for you. Love Mom—er, Dad."

Jacob sarcastically chortled at Billy's message. He then turned to Jasper, "Again?"

Jasper sighed, "Whatever…"

"Tell the folks back home what you're doing, Jasper."

"I'm writing one last—"

The phone rang. Jasper stuck his tongue out at Jacob and laughed.

_SPEEEEAK._

**Boop.**

"Chestnuts roasting…"

"EMMETT!" Jacob and Jasper cheered.

"Hey, I'm downstairs," Emmett said through the machine.

"HI!" squealed Jacob.

"Jasper picked up the phone? Oh my—!" Emmett began.

"Sorry to disappoint you, s'Jake."

"Eh, could be worse. Toss down the keys, will ya, please?"

"HA HA! HE RHYMED!" Jasper guffawed.

"I can still hear ya, Jazz. Anyway, I may be detained…"

"What's that 'sposed—" Jacob started.

"Merry Christmas, guys," chuckled the landlord, Carlisle.

"SHIT!" Jacob and Jasper screeched.

"Comin' up. Ya got the rent?"

"Uh…" Jasper managed, "Say, Carlisle, remember when we were roomies… Y'know… You and me and Emmett and Bella…"

"Sure do. How's Bella doing, Jake?"

"About that… She dumped me. Again. I was planning on seeing her show tonight…"

"Who's the new man?" Carlisle asked.

"About _that…_"

"What's his name?" Carlisle demanded.

"Alice," Jasper and Jacob replied in unison.

"Mmk… wow. Heh. Comin up to get rent. See you soon." The dial tone began to pick up.

"Shit!" Jasper and Jacob looked at each other.


	2. Not Paying the Rent

A/N: Yay! More lists.

**VAMPIRES:**

Jasper

Alice

Emmett

Esme

Edward

**WEREWOLF:**

Jacob

**HUMANS:**

Bella

Carlisle

Billy

Rosalie

No confusion. Goody.

Don't own Twilight or Rent, as usual.

* * *

Jacob set his camera down finally on a stray chair, "Life is so unreal."

"Tell me about it," Jasper nodded.

"'Eviction or pay.'" Jacob quoted.

"Pfft. Rent," Jasper scoffed, he positioned his guitar next to Jacob's camera, "Is my music really all that bad?"

Jacob gave him a knowing look.

"Thought so."

Jacob shivered, a rare event, "We're hungry and frozen!"

Jasper glanced down at all the people walking by the apartment building, "This life that we've chosen…" He jokingly licked his lips, causing Jacob to giggle.

"You wanna pay the rent when Carlisle comes up?" Jacob asked.

"HELL NO! We're not gonna pay last year's rent, either!" was the response.

Jacob burst into a fit of laughter. When he regained himself he said, "I'm gonna start a fire. For once. Wanna help?"

Jasper pointed to his teeth, "Remember? Keep that thing far away from me. Kthx."

"Jazz, c'mon. Just hand me crap to put into it. You don't even have to be near it."

"Here's some of my old posters," Jasper tossed a few to him, "Mind if we burn some screenplays?"

"JASPER, DON'T!"

"It's your funeral," he reasoned.

"Don't even. Gimme those," Jacob snatched his beloved work from the vampire's hands.

* * *

**SWITCH SCENE: ALICE BRANDON'S OFFICE.**

"Quiet, Bella! Geez. It's me, Alice. … Don't change the subject, love. I know. No, you won't throw up! NO! … You are _not_ calling Jacob!"

* * *

**END SCENE: SWICTCH TO EMMETT MCCARTY ON A STREET.**

"Ergh," Emmett clutched his throat.

A ten-gallon plastic pickle tub could be heard in the distance.

Emmett slowly tapped his foot along with the beat. He could hear Jacob's cry of, "Where could Emmett be?"

"Gettin' dizzy," Emmett said to himself.

He could see the figure with the pickle tub coming over to him.

"Honey?" it said.

* * *

**END SCENE: SWITCH TO A PHONE BOOTH THAT CARLISLE IS IN.**

"Tanya? You sound sad. Yeah, I don't think they will, either. But I try to— I know you don't like it. But, Tanya, I've known him for— Yes. Love you, too."

* * *

**END SCENE: SWITCH TO JACOB AND JASPER'S APARTMENT.**

Jasper was playing a cute version of "Dixie" on his harmonica.

"The music ignites the night with passionate fire!" Jacob shouted.

Jasper lowered the harmonica from his lips, "Um… never again. Ever."

The phone rang.

"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit," Jasper said as he watched Jacob cross over to the phone.

"Bella? You're equipment won't work? That sucks, what do you want me to do about it? OKAY, FINE! I'M COMING!" Jacob went to grab his coat.

"Jake! Carlisle is—"

"But Bella is—"

"We're not gonna pay this year's rent? Or next year's rent? Or even last year's rent?" Jasper reasoned.

"You got it. Se ya later," Jacob slammed the door behind it.

Jasper rested his head on his arm, "'Cause everything is rent."


End file.
